Political Satire by Barry Michael Cooper
WH Secretary: Mr. President, Mr. Plouffe; Mr. Trump is on the line.
Trump: Mr. President, David. My two most favorite people in the world. And I mean that.
President Obama: You sure about that? A little birdy says you told a crowd of folks at the Trump International Hotel and Tower, that--and I quote--"Our leaders are stupid, they are stupid people.It's just very, very, sad." An expletive-filled rant. Wow. It's like that, D-Money?
Trump. Come on, Mr. President. The Krug was flowing, I was talking to a bunch of drunks; it boils down to two words: Vegas, baby. And don't believe everything you read on AP. I love you guys. You know that. Dave-O, help me out here.
David Plouffe: The man. The myth. The coif. The Donald. Dude, you are most definitely the man of the hour right now; still, I don't think you love us more than Hot Birther Mama Orly Taitz. And since you jumped into the soup D-Money, me thinks old girl is crushing on you something serious. You two would make the perfect couple. You know...the hair?
David Plouffe: D-Money, you're leading in the polls as a GOP presidential candidate. Your star is rising at Fox News. NBC Universal better watch out. I can see it now: Fox News Presents Donald Trump's "Republican Apprentice". Contestants include Michael Steele, Scott Walker...and of course your thang-thang, Orly Taitz.
Trump: Enough with that wacky broad already. I'm beginning to stress out, especially after Lawrence O'Donnell ragging me out on MSNBC the other night on The Last Word, and demanding that NBC disclose whether they are renewing another season of The Apprentice--the biggest and only hit on NBC this season, I might add--
(Even more laughter.)
President Obama: Donald; his ire was not directed at you. He was talking to the execs at NBC Entertainment. O'Donnell was definitely on his game that night. One of his best shows.
Trump: His ire? Yeah, I know he's Irish. With a name like O'Donnell, duh? Irish.
(Raucous laughter.)Trump: What's so funny?
President Obama: The complete, unadulterated bliss of your ignorance. However, I gotta respect your Man Of La Mancha. Your quixotic game is awesome.
Trump: My what?
President Obama: It's a Harvard Law Review thing: you wouldn't understand.
Trump: Whoa, excuse me, excuse me Plouffe; I love you, I think you're one sharp young politcal guy, but I take offense to you saying I was foaming at the mouth. Come on guys, I'll admit I can be a little over the top, but a little respect, please. Por que...
President Obama and David Plouffe: Say what?
President Obama (to Plouffe in an amused whisper): This dude should be on Def Comedy Jam.
Trump: I heard that Mr. President. And by the way, Russell Simmons is a very good friend of mine.
David Plouffe: Interesting; would you consider Russell, a brilliant African-American multi-media mogul, one of The Blacks?
Trump: You better believe it. My ace boon coo-
President Obama: Okay, Einstein, fall back. No need to dig a deeper hole for yourself. You know, the first time I heard you use that term--The Blacks--I said to myself, "This dude is not as dumb as he looks. I thought, Trump is fan of the French poet and playwright Jean Genet, and his thought-provoking, controversial play, The Blacks, which examines the color black, with all of its racial and cultural definitions. Did you know James Earl Jones starred in the original 1961 American production at the St. Marks Playhouse? One of his first roles before he blew up Broadway with his searing portrayal of Jack Johnson in The Great White Hope; a theme close to your heart, D-Money (the President chuckles). You know, there's a memorable line from The Blacks that says, "By stretching language we'll distort it sufficiently to wrap ourselves in it and hide". Sounds like a prescient commentary on the present day political environment. Wouldn't you agree?
Trump: Get out! Jean Nate' is a guy? I thought it was a French chick who made great smelling bubble bath for the ladies, I gotta admit, I used to use that stuff before I went on dates as a teenager. Man (Trump gets excited), I'm telling you, I got so much action when I wore that-
President Obama (interrupts Trump's reverie): ...and then I watched your interview with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show, and said..."Nahhhh".
David Plouffe: Look, Donald, you did a great job with (whispers to President Obama) how should I phrase this? I think he's struggling with some remedial high school English issues.
President Obama (whispers to Plouffe): I would say "stirred up" as opposed to "foment".
David Plouffe (in a whisper to the President): Perfect.
David Plouffe (back to Trump): Yes, when you...stirred up...the Birther debate, it was a phenomenally strong move to the basket. I mean it became both a game changer and a carpet bomb within the GOP, and so much so that John Boehner, Eric Cantor--even freakin' Michelle Bachmann and Karl Rove--now publicly admit they know that President Barach Obama is an American who was born in Hawaii. Rove even cautions the GOP to distance itself from this issue, as it has the potential to irrevocably damage the party.
President Obama: And it was the perfect set up for my press conference the other day when I presented my long form birth certificate from Hawaii. Now the GOP slander machine is back-peddling so fast, they look like Mike Jackson Moonwalking on Motown 25.
Trump (in an excited, but horrible imitation of Michael Jackson): Shamone! Hee Hee Hee! You know I'm Bad, bad, really really really Bad. Did you know MJ stayed at Mar-a-Lago-
President Obama (interrupting Trump): Man, please! You know MJ didn't stay at no damn Mar-a-Lago. Come on now?! Calm down, D-Money.
David Plouffe: Look Donald, everything was going according to plan; the plan we talked about over that private dinner you hosted for us at Uncle Jack's Steakhouse on 9th Avenue back in February of this year. You leaning Democratic is an open secret; 54% of the $1.3 million in political donations that you have made over the years, has gone to our team. Harry Reid, Ed Rendell, and Rahm Emmanuel know and love your pockets. Quid pro quo is a dirty game but it takes clean money wash each others back, so, boom; you needed to raise the sagging ratings of your Celebrity Apprentice franchise, and the President needed not only to dead that dumb-ass "Birther" issue, but to place a truth bomb under the GOP's shrinking Big Tent of a circus. And it worked, D-Money; as our Inside Man, you blew up--your ratings and profile shot up exponentially--while the Republicans imploded as their Barack Obama emigre enigma was exposed for what it was: a hoax.
President Obama: But then you went "off book", D-Money, calling me and my administration "stupid" during your Vegas stand-up act, and then the "How did this guy get into an Ivy League school" schtick earlier in the week. What's up with that?
David Plouffe: Donald, we told you at that dinner; "No freestyling, unless you clear it with us". You remember us telling you that?
Trump (sounds chastised): Look guys, you're right, but this I needed to extend the publicity. Mr. President, you're the smartest man I ever met. I mean, come on, you just told me something I never knew before; Jean Nate’ was a guy, and he did more than just make great smelling bath bubbles that helped a young insecure guy--Moi--get laid in high school. That's huuuge! The Birther thing was exciting, but it kind of overwhelmed me. Lets' get real; Karl Rove is gonna make sure I don't secure a place on the GOP ticket, and he is most assuredly going to cock-block my attempts of finding a home over at Fox News. Can I be honest?; the presidential bid--had I ever declared my candidacy--was toast from the giddy-up. After Lawrence O'Donnell finishes brow beating You-Know-Who at NBC Entertainment, this will be the last season of The Apprentice. And on top of that, that little sawed-off, Bostonian carpetbagger Bloomberg, comes to the Big Apple-
President Obama (interrupts): -And steals your swaggy as "The King of New York", while you're reduced to leasing the Trump name to properties you don't even own. And you can't front forever, especially when the haters are waiting to stab you in the back. I feel you D-Money.
David Plouffe: Donald, are you crying?
Trump (clears his throat): Nah. Bad allergies. And a sinus infection. I guess I'm saying, I don't want to disappear.
President Obama: Believe it or not, that's another great line from Genet's play, The Blacks.
Trump: No, not the blacks; a white guy said that. Me.
President Obama (sounds mildly flustered): Donald, I have a briefing with my economic advisers in 15 minutes. and then I am flying to Alabama, to inspect the damage on the ground and offer support to the families who lost loved ones, lost their homes, and lost their hope, in that devastating outbreak of tornadoes this week. This is a serious job, my friend. Hundreds of millions of livelihoods and lives depend on the person sitting in this Oval Office on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. This is not a game. This is not a joke. This is not about a debate of race or lineage or education. Nor is it a platform for some fake-ass reality show, or a stunt to increase TV ratings. This is a real call to duty. This is about the service of a lifetime to the greatest country on the planet. Are you really ready for that, Donald Trump? Of course not. Anyways, I enjoyed talking to you. I hope everything works out, and thanks for all of your invaluable help in crippling the GOP's leverage with the Birther debate.
David Plouffe: We appreciate your due diligence Donald.
President Obama: You have a great family. You are an astute business man. You have that hustler spirit. You'll figure it out. You always do. Besides, there's always Mar-a-Lago. And Jean Nate’.